“U briten up my day 2 lol xoxo”

Ugh… I hate txt spk. Anyway, I text back saying “Who’s this?”

“Danielle hus dis”

I don’t know any Danielle, apart from one girl from school I’ve got on Facebook but not spoken to since I was about 12, and I don’t think she has much of a reason to text me.  I explain that I’m Alan, and get the obligatory “sory . . Didnt mean 2 txt u” and so I think nothing more of it.

Well, later I get a another text…

“Hey xoxo”

Um… okay. I understand people make mistakes, but twice in a day is a bit odd… but I correct her anyway – “Still Alan ”

“I no ”

FFS, learn some english! Anyway, I’m bored so I ask who she is.

“Its a mystery. . . Where u from?x”

I explain I’m from Bradford, and return the question.

“Newscastle. . . Wanna get dwn n dirty?”

Haha… Well, that takes me back a few years when everybody was cyber-sex mad, and I’d sit there explaining how I’d accidentally nudged the table and knocked the candle over and set the curtains on fire, to be greeted with some abuse before they blocked me. But… I don’t know anything about this one – for all I know she could be 14. So I ask, obviously. People don’t lie. Do they?

“21 wbu?”

21… explains a bit. It probably explains she’s 17 or something. I tell her I’m 28. No point in lying here. She carries on.

“Send me a dirty txt!”

I want to be in charge of this conversation… I don’t want to be merely an entertainment device for a group of mates, so I tell her.

“No . . Im on my own plz”

It’s not enough for me, so I tell her to set the scene. Could be interesting…

“Alone in a club. In da bathroom.. … Wot would u do 2 me when u find me?”

Alone in a club? What kind of scene is this? Erm… “Sounds like a shit club to me…”

“Amateur!”

I must be really bored to have transcribed this. Sorry.