“U briten up my day 2 lol xoxo”

Ugh… I hate txt spk. Anyway, I text back saying “Who’s this?”

“Danielle hus dis”

I don’t know any Danielle, apart from one girl from school I’ve got on Facebook but not spoken to since I was about 12, and I don’t think she has much of a reason to text me.  I explain that I’m Alan, and get the obligatory “sory . . Didnt mean 2 txt u” and so I think nothing more of it.

Well, later I get a another text…

“Hey xoxo”

Um… okay. I understand people make mistakes, but twice in a day is a bit odd… but I correct her anyway – “Still Alan ”

“I no ”

FFS, learn some english! Anyway, I’m bored so I ask who she is.

“Its a mystery. . . Where u from?x”

I explain I’m from Bradford, and return the question.

“Newscastle. . . Wanna get dwn n dirty?”

Haha… Well, that takes me back a few years when everybody was cyber-sex mad, and I’d sit there explaining how I’d accidentally nudged the table and knocked the candle over and set the curtains on fire, to be greeted with some abuse before they blocked me. But… I don’t know anything about this one – for all I know she could be 14. So I ask, obviously. People don’t lie. Do they?

“21 wbu?”

21… explains a bit. It probably explains she’s 17 or something. I tell her I’m 28. No point in lying here. She carries on.

“Send me a dirty txt!”

I want to be in charge of this conversation… I don’t want to be merely an entertainment device for a group of mates, so I tell her.

“No . . Im on my own plz”

It’s not enough for me, so I tell her to set the scene. Could be interesting…

“Alone in a club. In da bathroom.. … Wot would u do 2 me when u find me?”

Alone in a club? What kind of scene is this? Erm… “Sounds like a shit club to me…”

“Amateur!”

I must be really bored to have transcribed this. Sorry.

I’m actually a big fan of his work and I have a link o’er yonder, but if you’re looking for him and you’ve found me, well, I’m not him and you need click him over there in the links bit.

Me: Good morning! Customer services – Alan speaking.  How can I help?
Cust: Hi. You sent me the wrong item!
Me: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that – can I take your order number?
Cust: It’s 1148262. I emailed you last week but you never replied. I’m pissed off to be honest.
Me: Apologies – your email must have been missed. I’ll sort this for you now. What have you received?
Cust: I ordered a black laptop and you sent me a white one!!
Me: According to our records we sent you a black one. I’ve had no other complaints from the same batch.
Cust: Well you’ve sent ME a white one!! It’s even white on the picture on the box!!
Me: Yes, that’s just a stock image. And the unit inside is white?
Cust: I haven’t opened it! The picture shows a white one and it even says EBONY on the side of the box!! What are you going to do for me?!
Me: *sigh* Ebony is another word for black, sir.
Cust: No, ebony’s white!!

I’m losing the will…